Thoughts on Submission, Passivity and Vigilant Love in Marriage
“I just can’t do this anymore!” said a hopeless and
exasperated Gina, following yet another relational bomb that had gone off over
the weekend with her husband Mark. Gina and Mark have been married for 26
years. They are both believers who are active in church and ministry.
Mark is a very structured man who is always in control. He
lives life on his own terms, managing his life to the minute. When his
scheduled plans fall into place like clockwork which they often do, Mark is
easy to get along with. Yet when people or circumstances impact his rigid
schedule, sinful anger is quick to flow which leaves a wake of relational damage in its trails.
Gina is normally an easy-going person who does not like
conflict. Overlooking Mark’s anger has often come easy for her. Lately, however,
she has been finding it harder to forgive and move on, simmering over past
events, stewing in her own frustration. She feels powerless to control her own angry eruptions. She is
desperate for help and prayer.
While I agreed that change is needed in how she responds to
Mark, she gave a shocked look when I asked her if she planned to speak to Mark
about his sin and how it impacts relationships. She quickly dismissed the
thought and retorted, “Why bother? He is so set in his ways. He will never
change!”
The Perils of
Passivity in Marriage
Unfortunately I have seen in many broken marriages the
damaging results that years of passivity toward sin can bring. Frustration,
disappointment, apathy, and hopelessness are often the result. This passivity
essentially chips away at the foundations of love and respect in the marriage
and weakens its structure. When life in a fallen world has finally applied
enough pressure, the weakened structure may begin to crumble as the sin that
has been ignored for years often becomes the sin that we can no longer
tolerate.
Exasperated wives are often confused, shocked or even angry
at the suggestion that they may be just as responsible for the current
condition of their struggling marriage due to their passivity and unwillingness
to speak the truth in love regarding sin. Confusion regarding submission is
often a culprit.
What’s a Submissive
Christian Wife To Do?
With a biblical understanding of complementarian roles,
submission, and the Genesis 3 curse, are Christian wives limited to merely
“submit, pray ,and get out of God’s way” when faced with our spouse’s sin?
Though widely misunderstood and attacked in our culture today, biblical
submission is undoubtedly a powerful means of grace in any marriage. It is a
beautiful, God-honoring, divine calling of a wife to honor, respect, and uphold
her husband’s God-given leadership in the home.
However, does the call to submission negate a wife from
lovingly speaking the truth to her husband when he is either blind or stubborn
toward the destructive patterns of sin in his life? Would confrontation violate
the call to submission?
John Piper has said: “Submission…does not mean that a wife cannot seek the
transformation of her husband, even while respecting him as her head—her
leader, protector, and provider… Wives are not only submissive wives. They are
also loving sisters. There is a unique way for a submissive wife to be a caring
sister toward her imperfect brother-husband. She will, from time to time,
follow Galatians 6:1 in his case: ‘If anyone is caught in any transgression,
you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.’ She will
do that for him.” Love for our husbands would move us to these measures.
The Call to Vigilant
Love
Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III define love well in
their book Bold Love. “Bold love is courageously setting aside our personal agenda
to move humbly into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing
to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and
an aroma of death to others.”
Genuine love for our husband would compel us to not only
“cover a multitude of sins” by extending grace (1 Peter 4:8), but also, when
appropriate, courageously stand against the sin that mars the beauty and grace
that God desires (and purchased through Christ) for our husband.
Standing against sin because we love requires sober
conviction regarding the bondage and evil of sin and its devastating
consequences. It is motivated by a deep longing for, and envisioning of, the
beautiful freedom from sin that the application of the gospel would bring to
our husband. Loving desires would compel the pushback, yet self-interested
fears may keep us from it.
The Obstacles to Overcome
There are many obstacles that may need to be overcome in
order for us to love boldly. The love of comfort and/or the desire for peace at
any cost may keep us from “rocking the boat” through humble confrontation.
Nevertheless, resting in the unshakable peace with God that we have through
Christ may free us to risk discomfort for the sake of the one we love.
Fear of man may also keep us ensnared and be a barrier to
love when we hang our hope for happiness and meaning in life on the approval we
are after from our husband (Proverbs 29:25). However, understanding that we
already have the approval from God that we most need because of Christ’s
atonement, we can be liberated to love our husband well for his ultimate good.
Fear of our husband’s rejection or retaliation may also
paralyze us from engaging in truthful love toward him. Yet, marinating in the
perfect love of God through Christ and the resulting fear (awe) of the Lord
casts out immobilizing fears regarding the consequences of this bold love (1
John 4:18). The perfect love of Christ in the gospel both sets us free us from
our fears as well as informs the manner in which we love.
Jesus’ Valliant Love
Rather than remaining passive toward our sin and the
devastating consequences of wrath incurred by it, Jesus’ fierce love compelled
Him to act valiantly on our behalf! Throwing off comfort and forsaking all
fears, He loved sacrificially and intentionally by atoning for sin by His own
death, thereby purchasing our eternal acceptance before God. Though God accepts
us solely and fully on the merits of Christ’s death, it is also true that He
accepts us with an agenda to change us.
God’s love for us motivates Him to continue to mercifully
confront the sins that beset us with the gracious goal of transforming us into
the image of Christ from one degree of glory to the next (2 Corinthians 3:18).
This process involves ongoing sight, confession, and repentance of our sin
alongside the forgiveness and grace that our Savior purchased for it. Sight of
sin, Lord-willing, leads to gospel gratitude and grace-empowered change. Sight
often comes by way of loving, gospel-soaked, grace-filled confrontation. Wives,
are you willing to love your husband in this way?
2 comments:
Loved this post!! Thank you for showing us women biblically how to restore our husband (and marriage even) in a spirit of gentleness. I'm so thankful to have a husband that I can love as a brother of Christ. I would pray that he would love me in the same manner, and that through grace we can edify, encourage, and grow old together all for His glory. I love you friend....keep writing for eternity! Xxoxo
Love you too, friend! Thanks for the encouragement!
PS...and you keep writing for eternity too! ;)
Post a Comment